You know it's bad when...

your mom puts you on the church's prayer list. That is when you know it's bad.

My mom is one of those people who doesn't pray for the little things. She always tells me how God has bigger problems than some of the small stuff that people pray for. And for the most part, I agree. There are people with worse problems and worse lives than the ones most people pray for.

But yesterday, I got a card from a member of that church that I rarely set foot in. And today, I got another one. And I asked my parents how they knew that I was ill, to which my mom told me what she had done. How she had just asked them to pray for me and my illness. And I feel selfish. As though I am taking God's ears away from those who really need it to listen to the prayers for me. Those who go to church and pray deserve it. I don't go to church, and I don't pray that much other than the mumble of thanks over the dinner table when my thumb is the last one up (it's a family thing). I don't deserve it.

So I tend to look at it this way. With every pang I feel in my lower abdomen, with every stomach cramp I feel after I eat something bad, with every moment I think about my future life, I think of those for who it's worse for. Those who are on diets of applesauce or can't eat solids. Or those who have feet after feet of their intestines removed, or live most of their days in unbearable pain. And my pain or my bothers don't matter. Because it's the only way I can help them. I can make myself seem so fine that no one will pray for me, and then maybe God will hear all those other sufferer's prayers. And when I do pray? I'll pray for a cure.

So if there is someone out there reading this, if someone is praying for me. Pray for all of us. Pray for a cure, or a new medicine to ease the suffering of all those with Crohn's. Please don't just pray for me. Pray for us all.

M