The Next Step

Frequently I talk about how I am not ready to tell people. However, as I go more and more into this, I realize that I have to talk about it. So I took the first step, and called my old dance teacher, who suffers from Crohn's as well.

She answered the phone and I told her who I was, feeling the whole time I was about to burst into tears. And finally, as I started to cry, I said it,

"I have Crohn's and I'm scared"

The second I said it, I felt so much better. All the fear and anxiety I had left me the instant I said it. And she was so great. After asking about my symptoms and diagnosis, she told me her own story, so similar to mine. She gave me tons of great advice, both things I can do to avoid flare ups and what to do when I do have one. She also gave me tons of support, telling me what to expect and giving me a lot of hope. I just kept thinking,

"It's ok. See? You are going to be ok"

And not to say that there weren't some scary moments, because there were. There were some things that she told me, things that may happen to me in the future, like fistulas and such. She talked about painful flare ups and having to be a bit of a guinea pig while I figure out courses of treatments, but still. I felt such hope. Because she is still standing, still living, still moving forward.

It was a big step for me. I mean, it was a huge step. To tell someone who isn't my family or a close friend was a big moment. It's the first part of my recovery and acceptance, it's the first part of the me growing as a girl with Crohn's.

It's been a little over a month since I've been diagnosed, and I've only started to scratch the subject of who I am now, and who I will become. This disease has changed me, in a way that I never really thought that I would be. I realize now that because some of my days will be taken from me, I have to live the good ones amazingly great. Otherwise later I may miss them later on.

I can't promise that sometimes I still won't cry or break down. I can't swear that when I tell people I won't burst into tears. One of the best pieces of advice I've been given through all of this is this:

You are allowed to mourn the part of your life you are losing. You are allowed to be scared and worried. You can cry because this is scary. But you are strong, and you will survive this.

This is my life after all. My new one.

M