Four Years of Jeans.

I am sick. I have a cold/flu/whatever. So I went to the doctors, armed with anxiety and worry, knowing that the way they would chose to treat me was via antibiotics. So I wait patiently and quite quickly the nurse called me back. She asked me to step on the scale and I did. Now, here's where it gets interesting.

Before Crohn's, I did not want to look at that scale. I wouldn't even let them tell me. I shut my eyes very tightly and just liked to pretend it would say a number that I could live with. When I got first started having Crohn's symptoms, everything changed. My first visit, I as usual, refused to look at the scale. When I went on my second visit, two weeks later to be re diagnosed (wrong again), the nurse made a comment about my weight, so I asked her. In the span of two weeks, I had lost close to 20 pounds. I had been so miserable that I hadn't even realized it. On the next visit (which she referred me to my gastro.) I had lost another 10. Today? I stepped on that scale and realized that in a span of 3-4 months (from flare up to now), I have lost a little more than 40 pounds. Holy f^&$ s&**.

It was hard for me to see it, because I don't usually notice weight loss like that. I felt my clothes differently, I heard people say it, but I couldn't visualize it. So I took a picture of some jeans...

The biggest ones? Those are from 2006-2007, my senior year of high school. Miserable weight. Horrible. The next are from the 2007-2008 year. I had started working more, started moving from class to class on campus, and the change was small, but an improvement. The next are from the 2008-2009 year. A slightly bigger gap between the two, but nothing major. And then this years jeans, a huge gap between the two. And those are not even my best fitting pair. Point is, I was losing, I was, but not like this. Not this huge gap.

So is this my trade off? My silver lining? I have this giant mess to deal with for the rest of my life, but BONUS! I will also lose weight for the rest of it? Will I get told I am prettier or get noticed more because my body has shrunk? People who say, "You look great! Have you lost weight?" I just don't know what to say. How do I tell them I didn't do this? That my body rebelled against me and forced me to. That is just crazy and I would never tell anyone that. So I just smile, nod, and change the subject as fast as possible. Because to me? This feels like cheating. I feel like this isn't me. Like if I were 40 pounds heavier still, people would not say a word about how I look.

I know, stupid little girl, whining about how she lost all this weight and didn't lift a finger. I would be thinking it too if I didn't understand it. I know this is my silver lining and I just cannot force myself to accept it. I wish I had earned it. I wish I had worked my ass of and got it that way. But I didn't. I want to be praised for my hard work and I didn't do any. It's maddening.

Stupid girl. Stupid Crohns.

M