I'm not ok.

I haven't told many people about my Crohn's. I let them think it was IBS and in a way it is, so that's how I justify that. But the truth is that I am lying to them. I'm lying to everyone.

I lie to my family when they ask me if I'm ok. I can't tell them how I really feel, I can't tell them how scared I am. All I have to do is say the word and my family starts getting that look, that sad look. And I don't want that. I want to live my life. And while they mean well, they can't possibly carry this burden for me. I have to carry it for myself. Although I would rather go cry to my mommy and ask her to make it all better, this isn't something that she can fix. I can't get this monster chased out of my closet and I can't have them hold my hand as I walk through life. This is my illness, my disease, and I cannot and will not let it ruin their lives to. So yes, I lie and say that I am fine, and lie and say that I don't care. But that's not it.

I lie to my friends about what I have. I either don't tell them or I tell them it was IBS. Only a few people know and that is only because they needed to know. The last thing I want is to be seen as sick to them. How do you tell your friends that a part of you is deteriorating? How do you tell another 20something that you have a chronic illness? How do you tell them that you can't do this or that because it might make your intestines flare up? I can't. I won't. I'll tell them when the time is right, when I have a flare up or when I need surgery. When I can face this without bursting into tears. When I can tell them and have them know that my life isn't over.

I shouldn't have to be the strong one. I shouldn't have to be the one comforting the crying person on the other end of it all. I should be the scared one. And I am. I just cry when no one's looking. Because life has taught me that you are only as tough to others as you are perceived. I've proven time and time again just how strong I am. I will not let them see me as weak or scared. But sometimes? It'd be nice to cry.

M