When you date me, you date Crohn's.

I am not a fan of the first date.

I hate the awkwardness of it all. The getting to know you questions, the dull silences, the worry about what the other person is thinking about. It's really not my favorite thing to do. Once I get to really know someone, I'm fine, I'm great, I am totally at ease. But damn it if I don't dread first dates with all the passion in me. Even if I know who I am going on a date with. It just sucks. But I still did it. Just cause I figured one of these dates has to lead to something better, right?

So the other night, a guy friend of mine asked me to go have mexican with him. Not even really an official date mind you, and I said no. Why? Because do you have any idea what mexican could do to me? DO YOU? It could make things horrible and painful for me. But I couldn't tell him I didn't want mexican, because that wouldn't make sense. I am mexican. Of course I like mexican, or I did. But I can't tell him why, I can't tell any possible date why. Because I can barely choke it out to friends I have known for years, and I am supposed to tell a date? HA. So not going to happen.

Dating is supposed to be hard, I get it. I've been doing it for awhile and I know that rarely is it as easy as you wish it would be. But I thought it would get better as I got older. And now it won't. Because now, I have to worry about eating something upsetting on a date because I don't want to talk about it and therefore agree to go somewhere where I place myself in danger of having a flare up.

I know that doesn't seem like anything to you, but you've never had a flare up. I've been to restaurants where that happened during my last flare up, before I knew what was wrong with me. Every bite made me feel like throwing up. My stomach and intestines pain was so intense that I felt like curling up into a ball to make it stop. I had to excuse myself several times during these meals. I would literally sit there just trying to delay the next time I would have to get up and leave, because it was just so embarrassing.

I can't bear to do that on a date, I can't risk doing that on a date. So what do I do? How do I date? If I can't tell them, and something happens, what do I do? I know, I know, telling them upfront would just be the easiest option. But if you've been reading, you know that I am just not ready for that step yet. So what do I do, O brilliant readers?

I miss the days when all I had to worry about was awkward silences.

M