your mom puts you on the church's prayer list. That is when you know it's bad.
My mom is one of those people who doesn't pray for the little things. She always tells me how God has bigger problems than some of the small stuff that people pray for. And for the most part, I agree. There are people with worse problems and worse lives than the ones most people pray for.
But yesterday, I got a card from a member of that church that I rarely set foot in. And today, I got another one. And I asked my parents how they knew that I was ill, to which my mom told me what she had done. How she had just asked them to pray for me and my illness. And I feel selfish. As though I am taking God's ears away from those who really need it to listen to the prayers for me. Those who go to church and pray deserve it. I don't go to church, and I don't pray that much other than the mumble of thanks over the dinner table when my thumb is the last one up (it's a family thing). I don't deserve it.
So I tend to look at it this way. With every pang I feel in my lower abdomen, with every stomach cramp I feel after I eat something bad, with every moment I think about my future life, I think of those for who it's worse for. Those who are on diets of applesauce or can't eat solids. Or those who have feet after feet of their intestines removed, or live most of their days in unbearable pain. And my pain or my bothers don't matter. Because it's the only way I can help them. I can make myself seem so fine that no one will pray for me, and then maybe God will hear all those other sufferer's prayers. And when I do pray? I'll pray for a cure.
So if there is someone out there reading this, if someone is praying for me. Pray for all of us. Pray for a cure, or a new medicine to ease the suffering of all those with Crohn's. Please don't just pray for me. Pray for us all.
M
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Hey Marisa,
ReplyDeleteI just read through your blog posts. I hear where you're coming from. I was diagnosed with Crohn's as I was graduating from undergrad. After a few months, I went into remission and had no problems (or no flare-ups at least) for ten years. Things picked back up a couple months ago when I had a flare-up (first in ten years!). I was skeptical about the diagnosis I had in college so was really in denial for that whole time. There was at least 5 or 6 years where I had no symptoms at all actually. But a colonoscopy two months back confirmed that I do indeed have Crohn's. I'm getting a master degree right now, so I'm in school as well.
I'm really impressed that you're working through all your feelings. It gets confusing and honestly is a roller-coaster ride from day to day -- mostly corresponding with how your tummy's feeling. That's totally natural as is your hesitation with telling other people. My only comment there is that people will really surprise you. It took me a couple weeks to start telling folks, but you'd be amazed how supportive and understanding people are. It obviously doesn't make sense to broadcast it to the world ... "hey look at me I have Crohn's". But there's no harm in telling your friends. It's not like you have an STD or something. That's embarrassing. This is something not even in your control. You'd also be amazed how many people have heard of or know someone that has this disease. So it can only help to talk about it with folks you trust.
Also, you mentioned that no one knows the cause. This is partially true. There's actually a ton of research going on here. I'm trying to get up-to-speed on all of it myself and started a blog (similar to yours) to track it all. Here's a link if you're interested:
http://beatingcrohns.blogspot.com/
If you haven't already, you should also check out the CCFA website:
http://www.ccfa.org/
They have a website for teens which you may or may not find cheesy:
http://www.ucandcrohns.org/
And a good short primer on the disease:
http://www.ccfa.org/frameviewer/?url=/media/pdf/teensfinal.pdf
And finally, a lot of people find relief going on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. It's specifically designed for folks with IBD. I'm just starting this and symptom free at this point. If you really do have mild symptoms (as I did) you should see relief immediately. Here's a link for that:
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.info/
Sorry for blasting all this information all at once, it's tough to read up on all this stuff at the same time while going to class (I'm in the same boat), but it helps and is always empowering to understand what's going on. If you have any questions for me, feel free to email me - beating.crohns@gmail.com.
Take care,
Steve